While speaking at a press conference regarding Donald Trump’s call for Russia to engage in cyber espionage against the US, Paul Ryan acknowledged that he must have done something terrible in a past life to deserve becoming Donald Trump’s yes-man.
“I mean, I’m a good person,” Ryan said. “I go to church. I haven’t kicked a dog since I was a teenager. So there has to be something awful I did in a past life. Otherwise why am I stuck trying to normalize this guy’s insane statements every day?”
Ryan also indicated that trying to downplay Trump’s fascist rhetoric is starting to become his full-time job. “Honestly, I just need a nap,” he told one reporter. “The man never sleeps. He even stays up all night tweeting, so I constantly have to be on the lookout for what statement I need to justify next. It’s exhausting. I mean, could someone just lock him in a closet for a few hours? You know, so I could get in a little fishing?”
Long-time Republican voter Mel Sandford sympathized with Ryan’s plight. “It’s gotta be hard,” she said of Ryan’s situation. “Here he is, just trying to hold onto his own power and keep Republican voters from realizing they might be electing a dictator. That’s not easy.”
Lindsey Graham, Republican senator from South Carolina, has no sympathy for Ryan. “Hey, if you back a despot, you spend a lot of time running around trying to convince people they’re not actually that scary,” he recently stated. “I thought about taking on a gig like Paul’s and backing Trump, but then I talked to this guy who tunneled out of North Korea. After hearing the hours he put in for Kim Jong-un, I knew that backing Trump wasn’t going to be for me. That guy had no work-life balance whatsoever.”
“I mean, I’m a good person,” Ryan said. “I go to church. I haven’t kicked a dog since I was a teenager. So there has to be something awful I did in a past life. Otherwise why am I stuck trying to normalize this guy’s insane statements every day?”
Ryan also indicated that trying to downplay Trump’s fascist rhetoric is starting to become his full-time job. “Honestly, I just need a nap,” he told one reporter. “The man never sleeps. He even stays up all night tweeting, so I constantly have to be on the lookout for what statement I need to justify next. It’s exhausting. I mean, could someone just lock him in a closet for a few hours? You know, so I could get in a little fishing?”
Long-time Republican voter Mel Sandford sympathized with Ryan’s plight. “It’s gotta be hard,” she said of Ryan’s situation. “Here he is, just trying to hold onto his own power and keep Republican voters from realizing they might be electing a dictator. That’s not easy.”
Lindsey Graham, Republican senator from South Carolina, has no sympathy for Ryan. “Hey, if you back a despot, you spend a lot of time running around trying to convince people they’re not actually that scary,” he recently stated. “I thought about taking on a gig like Paul’s and backing Trump, but then I talked to this guy who tunneled out of North Korea. After hearing the hours he put in for Kim Jong-un, I knew that backing Trump wasn’t going to be for me. That guy had no work-life balance whatsoever.”
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